Apirl 25, 2005 Glory's Diary

I see I’ve been quite delinquent in keeping up with my Journal entries. So, last Wed. I got my first dose of the maintenance chemo, & left on Friday. I haven’t gotten any fevers yet Thanks God! But I kind of wish I lived in the hospital. Where I can just be by myself. Sometimes I feel really stressed out with mom around because she has so many worries & anxieties.

I feel like I’m such a burden on everyone……remember the time when I was still at college when I first heard that a thought at that moment…. Maybe just to go home without telling either mom or dad & try to deal with it all by myself. Why didn’t I do so?

Why couldn’t I have been stronger? Or had more courage? And then I keep thinking maybe I should end my life. Then they won’t have to keep worrying whether or not my cancer will come back.

Sigh…..why is it so hard to live a normal teenage life? I think right now & I think my head will explode.

So yesterday, some people from the media Evangelism Limited in Hong Kong came to interview me. I hate impromptu interviews, because I never get time to collect my thoughts and I mean truthfully, I don’t think or at least consider myself a strong Christian. Perhaps this is why God is still putting me through different trials. Anyway z…..so this is supposed to be evangelical & sort of an outreach so I feel like I should at least or show that I have faith. I mean I do…..I just think that at times I have more & then at other times I have less. But I have faking….& telling me to do an impromptu interview is like telling me to fake it almost. And then I didn’t like how the camera gay asked me to go to the chapel in the Ronald McDonald House to maybe read some scriptures or pray & it’s just like …. What we have a chapel?

Like I don’t do that. I didn’t even know we had that room. And praying, crying, & remember praying in the middle of the night, crying, & pleading with God. But to me, that’s personal. Because He’s the only one who knows all of my faults, insecurities, sins, pain, I guess I just don’t feel comfortable with reenactment esp. if it doesn’t show the real me.

But I guess I should at least answer some of the question they asked me in my Journal. I think it’ll help me. Maybe find our who I am.

So I’m supposed to introduce myself to someone who doesn’t know me. Truthfully, I don’t know much about myself. It just seems that I’m always too busy with work. Even since college started, where I thought I’d get a new start I’ve just been mostly busy with my own school work (but who isn’t?) I guess I would say that I am/was self-centered. When I had the time, then I would talk to friends or call dad. But daddy usually doesn’t have much to talk about on the phone. And I have made conscious efforts to hang out with friends who live further away. I try to be a good listening friend. I think to strangers, I’m shy and quiet at first. I think I’m judgmental of me. I think in some ways. I’m manipulative. I don’t think I’m particularly smart, just too hard working. Sometimes I study so much, I feel like a hermit…. But it’s kind of a sick mentally because I think that deep down inside. I’m thinking….oh I ‘m going to do so well on this exam. or whatever because I’ve gotten a head start or because I studied more. I think I quantified my life with my academic accomplishments. It gave me a sense of worth.

I was particularly moved by a card that Reba sent me. I was not really close with her, but it’s just really amazing how God uses people in yours life to encourage others. I was always impressed by her spiritual maturity.

Okay….getting tired of pink. So I remember this question that they asked me during the interview. Something to the effect of …..if I had ever questioned God why? And that’s I guess the most classic question. I don’t know why. I think I must of gone through all possibilities reasons at reasons at least 1000 times. Perhaps he’s punishing me for something, maybe it’s a trial, maybe there’s more blessings stored for me in heaven because of my trials (is that being greedy?) What is he preparing me to do? Is it like the incident with JOB where Satan was the one who wanted to test his faith? Or am I just super duper unhealthy and the only explanation of these multiple episodes of cancer is the result of me? What does God want me to learn? I have faith in God & I trust in him….but when I grow weak in Spirit. Will He give me cancer again to “wake” me up? I think the thing that I fear the most is that I will just continue to be plagued be cancer, not 3 times but many more. The only thing that I can do is to Trust.

But it’s funny because after the second time when I got chemo. I told God (Haha, how bold of me) I said I better not get cancer again. I just can’t. If I do, I’m going to die. I’ll kill myself before I get chemo again. And here I am. I cannot say how many times I’ve contemplated/ have suicidal thoughts. I think it’s almost really dangerous. How much easier it would be for me to not have to deal with pain again. But again that would be going back to my cancer this many times……obviously God doesn’t want me dead yet….or else he could just take my life at any moment right now. I think that perhaps I’m too impatient to wait for Him to show me His will. I’m 19….20 in June and I guess I feel like my life should be full stream ahead. Just working & studying & just moving forward with life. But then it’s like all of a sudden, God takes His hand & stops me….hopefully only for a short while & tells me to wait. Wait for what? I don’t know. But I can only trust in His timing.

I just hate seeing myself as a burden to my family. I wish mom didn’t take a leave of absence from her work & I wish dad & mom didn’t have to go through all that stress with bills & stuff. Maybe God wants us to become closes as a family? I pray that God, you will give mom and dad the peace that you have given me. To trust you and to give thanks to your name even during this time.